Aqua Crest: The Smothering Blade
by Aquatic-Idealist
Summary: Join Sir Eliwood the Pathetic, Lord Hector of the Large Muscles, and the ever Chipper Lady Lyndis as they go on an epic adventure to save the land of Oz, er, Elibe from the Wicked Nergal of the South.
1. Spontaneous Girl of the Plains

Aqua Crest: The Smothering Blade

Chapter 1: Spontaneous Girl of the Plains

A young girl danced about in the plains of Sacae. Her name was Lyndis and her family had been butchered by a group of bandits.

But Lyndis knew that there was no point in moping around. As the sole survivor, she had to find a way to survive, and avenge the loved ones she had lost. (1.)

So as she kept her fake smiles and her awkward dancing, she found a young man lying prone on the ground.

The girl waved her long teal hair away from her eyes and examined the man. He wore a dirty, old cloak and carried a small book in his hand. Carefully prying the book from his fingers, Lyn noticed that it was a book on military strategy.

"Silly scholar..." Lyn shook her head. "Instead of getting yourself rations, or a canteen, or a sword, or armor, you brought a strategy book, as if you could survive and defend yourself with a strategy book. What was he planning, to eat the pages of the book for nourishment and use its thick cover to whack foes?" Lyn stood there for a moment, and realized that if she left him out here, he'd surely die in the cold. Thus, she brought him into her ger, a nomadic tent similar to a yurt, and had him rest there.

--------

"Urg... Where am I?" Billy shook his head, slowly waking up.

"Get up, you lazy oaf!" A shrill voice pierced the air.

"Gah!" Billy jumped up. "Who are you?!"

The girl smiled sweetly. "I'm Lyn. I found you unconscious on the plains."

"And you kidnapped me?"

"Well, I was going to put it differently, but... Yes..."

"I'll give you anything... Just give me freedom... I can't go back to Catholic school. Please, I beg of you, let me free!"

Lyn blinked. "Well, I'll give you your freedom..."

Billy grabbed her leg and looked at her pleadingly.

"... If you help me plan and stuff."

"You have a deal." Billy nodded.

Lyn nodded and smiled at her new man-slave, and popped her head outside of her ger. She spotted two woodcarvers who were standing around doing absolutely nothing.

"Hey, Billy..." She mumbled, retreating back into the tent.

"Yeah?"

"Wanna go kill some random bystanders with axes?"

"Sure..."

And so, with some coaching from Billy, Lyn took down both axemen.

"We were chopping wood in the forest... Honestly..." The axeman with the larger muscles among the two murmured as Lyn put her blade to his neck.

"Sure you were..." Lyn smiled sweetly as she took his life.

"So, um, what do we do now?"

"Let's travel... And stuff..."

"Huzzah!"

And, so, Lyn and Billy traversed the land of Elibe.

At a nearby town, they met two riders, Kent and Sain...

And while Sain tried to sneak a peek up Lyn's dress, Kent informed her that her grandfather was lord of Caelin. Unfortunately, it seemed her granduncle wanted both her grandfather and Lyn dead, and would probably send armies of men to get rid of her.

"Well, I signed up to help you plan and stuff, but taking down hordes of foes who'll try to kill you because you're a threat to some madman's throne is not my specialty, so I'll see you." Billy was about to sprint away back to town, when Lyn ran forward and grabbed his collar.

"Oh, no you don't, Billy! If you leave, I'll have Kent and Sain pursue you to the ends of the earth... And they'll skewer you the moment they see you!"

"But, Lyn... After all I've done for you, you'd kill me?!..."

"No, but the point is... DON'T LEAVE ME, BILLY, I LOVE YOU!"

Billy smiled. "Oh, in_ that_ case, I'll stick with you forever."

"Thank you, Billy!" Lyn moaned, tears of joy in her eyes.

"Erm... So... Milady, your orders?" Kent looked at the awkward scene with calm discomfort.

"Oh, right, I almost forgot... Kent, go kill random people with axes and lances, just whoever you find threatening. Sain, go help him."

"Of course, Milady!" Sain cheered and charged forward.

"To think an honorable knight would be forced to travel with this crowd..." Kent sighed solemnly.

------------

As they moved on, they found other party members: Will, a traveling journalist who happened to be proficient with the bow, Florina, a pegasus knight who feared men for no apparent reason, and Dorcas, a family man who needed money.

"So Lyndis's Legion valiantly marches forward. The flora glisten when the lady marches above them, and the various fauna of the land trot beside these mighty heroes in celebration of their kindness. Lyndis's Legion shall crush the forces of evil wherever they hide. We men of honor and glory shall prevail! No villain can stand in our way!" Will would mumble merrily, frantically jotting down random bits of text and gibberish about Lyndis and her band with journalistic excellence, but Kent would read his writing and remind him: "I think you're referring to the wrong group of people."

They marched forward, meeting new people very day.

They found the sweet and kind Sister Serra, who, through flirtatious tactics, convinced Sain that Erk, the mage who was her escort, was abusing her. Erk continued to plead his innocence, and, thankfully, Billy and Lyn didn't really care and invited both into their army.

But the odd couple weren't the only allies they found...

After some time, they arrived at Castle Araphen, and found it under attack. After an Assassin tried to kill Lyn, as usual, he was defeated and Lyn spotted a new face.

"Hi there, bowman on a horse, what's your name?" Lyn suddenly squealed at a tribal man who looked like a fellow plainsman.

"..." The stern-faced warrior on a horse glanced at Lyn in response, and pointed to a small group of woven letters on his shirt.

Lyn read them, and gasped. "Oh, so you're Rath?" Lyn smiled at him.

"..." Rath stared at her with that same stern expression.

"I'll take that as a yes."

"..."

"So, shall we fight the enemy together?" Lyn asked with a smile, but anyone could tell that it was forced.

Rath nodded, and pointed at a nearby wall. He suddenly grabbed one of his arrows, and snapped it slightly. He pointed at the partially broken arrow, and back at the wall, and nodded.

Lyn looked at him curiously, but Billy suddenly spoke up. "Oh, so the wall's weakened?"

Rath nodded.

"So if we destroy the wall, what happens?"

Rath took a rock, put in on the ground, and had his horse step on the rock. Then he pried the horse's mouth open.

"So there will be something inside the room revealed when we destroy the wall, and when we enter that room and step on a button or tile, another room will be revealed to us?" Billy spoke sagely.

Rath nodded, and applauded Billy. Rath then took out a book, pointed at Billy, pointed at it, and smiled.

"Thank you." Billy smiled. Lyn stared at both men strangely. "Erm... Ok, Billy, you take the lead."

"Alright, then, Rath, let's do this!" Billy raised his fist in the air.

"..."

----------

Sain, Kent, Rath, Dorcas, Will, Lyn, these warriors fought bravely and excellently, and when the battle was over Lyn was invited to meet Rath's lord, though it took Billy's translating skills to inform her of this meeting.

Rath, Lyn, Billy, and Kent entered the great hall where Rath's lord greeted them. Lyn walked up to Rath's lord, who took one look at her and exclaimed. "Back, BACK you menace!"

"Huh?" Lyn stared at him strangely.

"She's a filthy nomad! A half-ling! Unfit for this society! Stay back!" The lord gasped.

Lyn scoffed. "What a filthy racist!" And stormed off. Billy and the rest of her men followed her, except for Rath.

Rath glared at his lord.

"Rath, what's the matter?"

"..." Rath pointed at the feathers on his head, and pointed at the bangle he was wearing that represented years of service to the lord.

"Oh, I'm not against you, Rath. Not at all. As you've pointed out, you've served me for a long time."

Rath took one good, long look at the lord, and suddenly gave him a punch to the face. The nomad quickly reared his horse and rode away.

"Rath, get back here! RATH!"

"..."

---------

"Rath? What are you doing here?" Lyn asked when she saw the nomad appear.

"..." Rath took off the bangle and had his horse trample it.

"So you're joining us?" Billy asked.

Rath nodded.

"That's wonderful!"

"..." Rath nodded again.

Our heroes marched on, with Rath in tow.

---------

After a long and grueling march, they finally arrived at Castle Caelin.

Lundgren, Lyn's granduncle, battled Lyn and her forces with great vigor and skill, but Billy, who was quite a spectacular strategist, used Rath's talent with hand signals and gestures, Will's talent in writing, Sain's talent in distracting the enemy, Serra's talent in driving them mad, and Kent's stalwart seriousness to his advantage. While Sain and Serra distracted the enemy, Rath would signal their comrades to surge forward and attack, and Will wrote down the positions of enemy troops and would relay that information to Rath, who would report to their comrades through interpretive dance. Kent would slay the vast majority of their foes with the cry: "For Lyndis!" This, of course, made Sain suspicious of him. Was Kent just as lecherous, only that he knew how to hide those feelings?

Finally, Lyn and her grandfather met face to face. The heroes of Lyndis's legion disbanded, except for Sain, Kent, and Will, who stood by Lyn's side. Rath gave his comrades a final dance to inform them of his whereabouts, but, realizing that none of them understood him, he left with a heavy heart. Florina, too, was about to leave but Lyn convinced her to stay, and Billy left far into the distance, bearing his friends farewell.

-----------

1. Contrary to what the game might tell you, relatives who are NPCs and do nothing to help you in your darkest hour are considered dead.


	2. To Be Pathetic

Chapter 2: To Be Pathetic

"Eliwood, of Pherae, your duty is to be like your father, a powerful and noble warrior feared by many. Look at your best friend, Hector, isn't he a strong man?" General Marcus tried to lecture his lord.

"But I... I want to pick flowers and dance. Why must I be a King?"

"Because you are the last of Elbert's line, and, thus, you will receive the crown upon his death."

"Why can't you, dearest Marcus?'

"Because..." At this point Marcus began to cringe. "Because I am merely your retainer. You are the Prince, and the Crown Prince at that. That is all I will say..." With that, the general quickly bolted from the room.

"General..." Eliwood blinked, then ran off and continued to skip in the fields.

-------------

"General Marcus, His Majesty Elbert is nowhere to be found... He's been missing for a long time." The green-clad scout reported.

"As an honorable knight of Pherae, must I call Eliwood?" Marcus groaned. The Prince was beginning to scare him, to say the least.

"Call me for what, dear?" Eliwood suddenly popped up.

Marcus shook his head. "Milord, your father is missing!"

"Daddy's missing? Then I'll go find him!" Eliwood snatched a guard's sword and yelled: "And I will kill anyone who tries to hurt my daddy!"

"Milord... Forget it..." Marcus sighed. He turned to the many soldiers standing at attention. "Troops, we're moving out!"

-----------

Lowen, Marcus, and Eliwood arrived at a small village on the borders of Pherae's territory. Lowen was sent as a reconnaissance unit, and he returned with the mayor's daughter, Rebecca, and Billy!

"Eeekk!!! Billy, it's so good to see you!"

"Um, right, Eliwood..."

"Billy, you were Lyn's tactician, so you should know how to plan for us and stuff."

"Yeah, I can plan for you and stuff."

"Perfect!" Eliwood bounced up and down.

"Erm, milord? We should get going..."

"Oh, you said it Marcus! Onward!"

----------

With the band of bandits defeated, Eliwood and his men marched on.

"We must find Hector..." Eliwood mumbled.

"Sing it, why don't ya?" Billy sighed.

"Ok!" Eliwood laughed, and burst into song:

"_We're off to find the Hector, the Wonderful Hector of Elibe._

_You'll find that he is a man of a man, if ever a man there was!_

_If ever oh ever a manly man, that brute is one because because_

_Because because because because because..._

_Because of the ridiculous things he does!_

_We're off to find the Hector, that wonderful blockhead we know!_"

As the party marched along, Barte, one of the new recruits, began to yell at Billy. "You smart guy almost got me killed! Don't ya know that this shirt ain't made for taking hits?!"

"Stop messin' with him. He's a good man." Dorcas mumbled, forcing Barte silent.

"Thanks, Dorcas..." Billy smiled.

"Nah, I should thank you. You're the guy whose brain keeps us alive." Dorcas smiled back.

"Right, because he plans and stuff!" Serra's voice added suddenly.

"Gah! Where did you come from?!" Billy gasped. Dorcas, knowing Serra all too well, quickly fled, dragging Barte with him.

"Don't give me that look! You missed me, right?"

"Erm, no..."

Serra smirked. "Anyways, I'm part of Ostia's employ. Thus, wherever Hector goes, I follow."

"But, but if you're with Hector, then..."

A loud scream and a mighty roar answered Billy's question.

"Oh, so Hector's joined us after all..."

---------

"So, Hector, together we'll beat up anyone who won't tell me where my dad is!"

"Of course, Eliwood. Why else do you think I'd walk three miles in this heavy armor in search of you?"

"Wait, you didn't use a wagon or anything?"

"I'm... I'm Hector, remember?"

"Oh... Right..."

Billy walked in between the two of them. "Ok, guys, we need to find some answers. Just standing around here blabbering nonsense will do nothing for us."

------------

"I, Matthew, will stab everyone who gets too close to me!"

"Oh, Matthew, is that you?"

"Guy?"

"Oh, why are you with the enemy?"

"That's what I was going to ask you."

"Well, answer me first."

"Ok, fine. I'm here because they have cookies."

Guy's eyes lit up at this. "Really?"

"Yeah, why else do you think I'd hang around with a bunch of psychopaths led by a guy who is an insult to nobility?"

"Oh, well, can I join?"

"Sure..."

----------

With Guy in their lines, Eliwood, Hector, Billy, and their troops cut down Boies and his bandit army.

Marching forward, they met Lord Helman, from whom they wanted to mooch off of, but Helman, upon seeing them, realized that, by having a heart attack, he'd be able to save his money, so he did, and it backfired on him... Eliwood and Hector cried at the funeral, but Billy just stood there, looking at his watch the whole time.

-----------

Everyone stared worriedly at Billy afterwards, but their tactician didn't care. "So, looks like it'll rain on your little parade." A voice suddenly cackled. "Who are you?" Hector gasped, staring at the hideous sight before him.

"My name is Hannah, and I can predict stuff."

"Great, we have a guy who can plan and stuff, other guys who can fight and stuff, a girl who can heal and stuff, and, now, an old hag who can predict stuff!" Eliwood squealed.

"I predict that if you call me an old hag again, a large meteor will strike you down and Elbert's line will be no more."

Eliwood shut up, for once.

"I like her. Let's let her join." Billy smiled.

"Sure thing." Hector smirked too, grabbing Hannah by the back of the neck and dragging her.

"And I thought we were civilized here..." Marcus sighed.

---------------

"Erk... Oh, where are you, Erk?" Priscilla sighed. She was separated from her escort when the two of them decided to split up to find shelter.

Priscilla looked around. Without Erk, it would be difficult to protect herself. After all, a staff could hardly knock out an unarmed man, let alone a fully armored knight. All Priscilla could hope to do was run from the enemy, as she was on horseback.

As Priscilla continued to run, she was intercepted by a certain lord.

"Hiiii!!!!! I'm Eliwood! Who are you?" The young man squealed.

Priscilla blinked. "I'm Priscilla, and I should be going now."

"Omigod, no, you should stick around! You're good with staves, so you can help us heal and stuff!"

"O... Ok, then..."

----------

"Eeeekkk!!! Erk!!!"

"No... Hey, you, yeah, that big guy with the axe, kill me now."

"But I don't..."

"Kill me!"

"Fine by me!" The fighter raised his axe and slammed Erk in the head.

As Erk crumpled before her, Serra screamed and healed him.

Erk slowly got up. "Curses..."

"Eeeekkk!!! Erk, you should join us!"

"Um, yeah, about that. See, I'm hired under a new employer."

"You mean that girl?" Serra pointed at Priscilla, who was being escorted by Eliwood.

"DANG IT! Fine, I'll tag along." Erk sighed and fried the fighter who attacked him.

--------------

With Erk as their new recruit, bandits were fried, swords stabbed into many random places on random people's bodies, and Billy planned and stuff. When the chaos was over, Eliwood raised his sword. "Now we'll find my dad!"

"Commander!" Marcus yelled. "I just received word that Castle Caelin is under attack!"

"Then let's go there!" Billy grabbed Eliwood's arm. "Please?" He stared at the lord with the best puppy dog eyes he could muster.

Eliwood's heart melted. "How could I ever refuse you, Billy? We leave in ninety seconds!"


	3. The Life of the Party

Chapter 3: The Life of the Party

"OMG! Billy, you're back!" Lyn laughed as she jumped into his arms.

Eliwood and Hector watched in horror as they began to engage in that mating ritual known as kissing, hugging and then doing _it_ right in front of the castle, for the entire Legion to see.

"Erm, let's not bother them..." Eliwood mumbled. The rescue of Lyn's grandfather happened in record time. It only took twelve minutes for Serra to run up to the castle gates and attempt to chat with the commander, who screamed and wailed and declared a surrender. This commander happened to be Lyn's granduncle, and after he surrendered Kent executed him on the spot, because it was his _duty_.

Eliwood turned to Hector, who continued to stare at Lyn and Billy with drool from his mouth. Eliwood could have sworn he was mumbling: "Never saw one that big before..."

Eliwood quickly slammed his sword sheath on the back of Hector's head, and Hector immediately regained consciousness. "Eliwood! That's the first manly thing you've done in ages! We should celebrate your _Coming of Manliness_!"

"Oh, Elmine no, Hector. We have to get to Port Badon and find my father, remember?"

"Oh, right. We'll party on the ship, then."

"Very well..."

-----------

So the party arrived at Port Badon, and Captain Fargus yelled at them: "Ahoy, mates! Beat up me mates and I'll give ye passage to the isle of Valor." (1.)

"Ok, then, Billy, plan for us and stuff and help us take out these pirates... And then we'll have a wild ride later today." Lyn giggled.

"Erm, right, Billy. _Plan_ for us and stuff." Eliwood groaned.

"Alright then, people. Dorcas, go west. Barte, support him. Sain, go north. Kent, go in the southernly direction with Marcus. And, erm, who are you?" Billy asked the man whom Rebecca was dragging out of a building.

The man had a monocle, and as he adjusted it, he stammered. "I'm... I'm Canas, you see, and I thought that your group of warriors seemed rather interesting, so I decided to join, because I am easily fascinated by amazing occurrences such as a group of warriors such as yourselves entering a shabby, almost deserted, really, port like this. People rarely visit such ports and rarely do I see an interesting bunch such as yourself, so I... I wish to join you in the hope of gaining knowledge. After all, as I'm sure you know, knowledge is power..." Canas began to drone on, before Billy stopped him.

"Erm, right, so what can you do?"

"I am a shaman, you see... I specialize in elder magic, which is quite fascinating in itself. I see you have a mage in your party." Canas stopped his mumbling for a minute to point at Erk. "My intuition tells me that he is of the anima school of magic. A fine form of magic, I must say, but elder magic is powerful against anima magic. Of course, shamans and druids should avoid priests and bishops, for they have holy magic that is strangely effective against elder magic, as it is fueled by the power of darkness and shadow, but anima magic is stronger than holy magic in that regard, so as long as I work with you, you can help take out those who use similar powers as your mage. Shamans who are willing to travel like a group similar to yours are rather uncommon, I must say, so I believe that I might serve as a critical asset to your group. Besides, I love studying and thus I might be able to help you with knowledge. After all, knowledge is power and..."

Billy couldn't take it anymore. "Right, right Canas. Go with Sain and take out enemy units from the north."

"Certainly. Though I dislike violence, I will do what you say because you seem to be the tactician in this band. Is that a difficult task? It seems quite challenging when one examines your profession..."

"Gah, just go!" Billy yelled, forcing Canas to cringe back and follow Sain.

Finally, Marcus and Kent arrived in front of Fargus, who laughed and said: "Okay, mates, go help our guests into the ship."

Sain and Will moaned. "We're badly wounded and you'll just ignore our pains?"

"Yes." Billy nodded. "Because we're lacking in time."

"Time is of the essence, I'm sure. You see, if you waste time..." Canas was cut off by Erk, who spoke loudly: "You'll be like Canas here. Billy's right, let's get moving."

"Oh, Erky, finally taking the initiative." Serra giggled.

"Erk, it's quite brave for you to tell the others what to do." Priscilla beamed.

"Erk, why are you taking my job? Get back into position!" Billy snarled.

"Yes, Billy..." Erk sighed.

And our heroes got on the ship...

And partied for the rest of the evening...

"Eliwood's a man!" Hector laughed, a bottle of beer in his hand.

"A strong and smart man!" Florina moaned, grabbing on Eliwood's chest armor.

Eliwood laughed like a drunkard, which wasn't too surprising because he was one. "Hic, yeah! Hic, Florina, let's go _rest_ for the night." Eliwood smiled.

Florina giggled and the two retired below decks.

"Go Florina!" Rebecca laughed as Will was tickling her.

"I must say... This beer is quite strong... I've never had beer like this before..."

"Oh, fair Canas, you are truly the master of bullshit!"

"Why, thank you, Sain... You are very kind and polite..."

And Sain suddenly grabbed Canas and pulled him into a kiss, and everyone cheered.

And Lyn could be heard moaning in the distance, and Fargus threw his rum bottle into the air: "Party, everyone!"

Marcus leapt onto a table with his chain mail and yelled: "Long live Beer!"

"Long Live Beer!" They all agreed.

------------

1. I can't write in Pirate, so I won't even try. Sorry, folks.


	4. Hangovers and Wars

The author is one year older now. To commemorate this event, here's an update.

Chapter 4: Hangovers and Wars

The general consensus is that hangovers are horrible. When one is going to war, of course, that is no exception...

Sain woke up to a snoring Canas in bed alongside him. The knight screamed, his scream nearly deafening half of the Elite.

Lyn and Billy woke up side by side, and as Billy smiled Lyn began to turn pale.

Florina and Eliwood woke up together. Florina let out a whimper and quickly left the room, while Eliwood went back to sleep.

The howls and screeches of almost everyone in the Elite made Fargus mad. He quickly burst into Billy and Lyn's room, grabbed Billy by the neck, and growled: "If yer men can't handle their rum, den don't give 'em any!"

Billy gulped: "I had no idea that something like this would happen, honest!"

Lyn could only glare at Fargus: "You both suck, you know that?"

Fargus and Billy blinked at her.

"What kind of man are you, letting your troops drink alcohol? Get out, you stupid pirate! Get!" With a swift kick, Lyn forced Fargus to leave the room.

"And what a naughty man you are, taking a girl when she's drunk..." Lyn smirked at Billy, who smiled back... Of them we'll speak no more.

------------

"Sain..."

"Kent, I don't want to hear it."

"Sain..."

"Kent, stop bothering me!"

"Oh, then I guess I should keep your wallet."

"Huh? Is that what this is about? Give me my wallet, Kent. Kent! KENT!"

----------

And as the ship lurched forward, Fargus noticed something.

"We're sinking! Abandon ship!"

Screams and howls filled the decks as Billy, Lyn, Eliwood, Hector, and all of their retinue were running around in circles, smashing into walls and each other as they frantically tried to find a lifeboat.

"Erm..." A voice of reason began.

The panicked warriors stopped to listen to this voice.

"We could fix it, Cap'..." The voice continued.

"Dart, is that you?"

"Erm, yeah. Cap'n, if we worked on it, we could get it repaired and then nobody has to die."

"Ok, then. We'll go fix the boat."

"Then what do we do?" Billy asked. Eliwood, Hector, and Lyn nodded in unison.

"You guys, um, watch the deck." Fargus mumbled.

"We're under attack!" Erk's voice yelled from afar.

"Let's go fight!" Hector's voice boomed as he ran through the hatch to reach the deck.

"Let's follow him." Billy nodded as Eliwood and Lyn ran after the blue-haired noble.

------------

"I am a Shaman. I cast black magic that hurts people and stuff."

"If there are Shamans, then... Lucius, go blast them with white magic and stuff."

"But Saint Elmine dictates that we should love our enemies..."

"Then do whatever it takes!"

"Very well then, I will, Billy."

-----------

"I am a warrior. I, um, fight and stuff."

Erk grabbed his thunder tome. "I'm a mage. I blast you _and stuff_."

"_And Stuff?! NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!_"

Marcus and Kent both smacked themselves in the face. "As an honorable Knight of Pherae, why did I join this crowd in the first place?" Marcus groaned.

"As an honorable knight of Caelin, I cannot answer that question because I, too, am trapped here." Kent sighed.

"But as honorable knights, neither of us can salvage our dignity and leave."

"Because that would be dishonorable."

"Precisely."

"In that case, what options do we have?"

"We must... _Humor_ Billy and this crowd for some time..."

"But that is deceit, and that is dishonorable..."

"You are in the right, however..."

"However what?"

"However I am uncertain as to how we can salvage our dignity."

"Unfortunately, Sir Marcus, dignity cannot afford to exist among fools such as these."

"You called Lady Lyndis and Lord Eliwood fools. You've just done something dishonorable and insulted me at the same time."

"You do not agree, Sir Marcus?"

"I do, Sir Kent... Oh, Elmine, why do you torment us so?"

"Sir Marcus, it is good that you understand my pains..."

"Likewise, Sir Kent..."

"Marcus..."

"Kent..."

"Sirs, why are you disregarding your duty to your respective lords?" Fiora suddenly popped in.

Marcus and Kent were surprised, but answered her.

"We were lamenting on the fact that our lords are so dishonorable." Marcus sighed.

"Exactly." Kent added.

"Oh, you may be in the right... Oh! What am I saying?! I am so dishonorable!" Fiora burst into tears and put her hands over her mouth.

Both Marcus and Kent gingerly took her by the hand and looked into her eyes. "Dame Fiora, to have dignity and honor is impossible among such fools..."

"Indeed." Tears fell from her eyes. "To think that knights such as we cannot be truly knights."

"Marcus..." Kent moaned.

"Kent..." Fiora blushed.

"Fiora..." Marcus turned bright red.

And the three of them embraced each other.

------------

And after hours of intense fighting, the ship's deck was cleared of enemy troops.

Fargus landed on the Dread Isle, and our heroes disembarked.

They continued marching for a bit, until.

"Hey, look, it's Rath!" Matthew yelled. (1.)

The stern bowman pointed to the letters on his collar.

"Uhai? Is that your name?" Lyn asked.

Uhai nodded.

"Wait... Didn't only Rath act like that?" Billy turned to Lyn.

"That's ri... Ahhh!" Uhai grabbed Lyn and put a sword to her throat.

"As a fellow nomad, could you kill me in this manner?" Lyn gasped.

"No..." Uhai put Lyn down, and rode off into the forest.

From a distance, they could still hear his voice: "I challenge you to a duel, plains woman, and if you can defeat me, I will deem you worthy."

"So all we have to do is take down that fellow and his horsie? That can be easily done!" Eliwood giggled.

"What happened to his manliness?" Hector wondered.

-------------

The mighty Eliwood's Elite eventually hacked their way though the forest and crushed Uhai and his bow and sword. As Uhai fell, the Elite marched forward towards a new target: the Dragon's Gate itself...

The fate of Elibe rested on their shoulders. Would they fail here, or would they succeed?

------------

1. Because I did not mention Leila earlier, I therefore did not include her. Also, her end is much too tragic to be mocked.


	5. Nergal's Invention

Very short chapter. You can blame cold temperatures and the flu for disrupting the author's willpower.

Chapter 5: Nergal's Invention

"Yaaahhh!!" Hector's roar started the battle as he smashed Wolf Beil into the nearest skull. Unfortunately, the person he attacked happened to be Rebecca.

"Hector, what the hell are you doing?!" Lyn gasped as she witnessed their ally crumple.

"I, uh, was trying to train with her. It's a shame that she couldn't take the heat."

"Remind me never to train with you, Lord Hector." Canas mumbled.

"What did you say to me?!"

"You are far too dangerous to deal with."

"You piss me off!"

"Good, I hope that motivates you to change."

"GAAAHHH!!" Hector lifted Wolf Beil and headed straight for the monocle mage. But no one, not even Canas's beloved Sain, went to help him fend off the brute.

* * *

"Ephidel, Sonia, Ursula, take a look at my new invention!" Nergal laughed, pointing at the huge glowing gateway behind him.

"What's that supposed to be?" Ursula inquired.

"I call it a 'heater.' It makes things hot."

"But, milord, you are using the power of the Dragon's Gate. One of these days a dragon might pop out and kill us all." Sonia pointed out.

"You're no fun." Nergal frowned. "Say, Ephidel, do you want to try out my heater?"

"I'll pass, thanks."

"C'mon! It's quite cozy."

"No, sir."

"I ORDER YOU TO!"

"Fine..." Ephidel stepped towards the 'heater,' and was promptly incinerated.

Sonia and Ursula covered their mouths and stared at their comrade's fried corpse in shock, but Nergal shrugged his shoulders. "I guess it was a bit too toasty."

* * *

Eliwood charged towards the Dragon's Gate. "Excuse me, pardon me..." He mumbled as he ran past enemy forces on horseback.

"That's my horse!" Marcus groaned, stumbling behind in his armor.

"Now you know how I feel." Oswin sighed.

"So, since Eliwood volunteered to take on Nergal and his troops, we'll split into two teams. Team A..." Billy was cut off by Erk.

"Let me guess, Team A is Eliwood, Team B is the rest of us. Team A will go engage Nergal and the Black Fang while Team B sits around doing nothing, right? And this is all a ploy to make us start liking you because you've been a heartless bastard, isn't it?"

"Erk, from now on I will allow Serra to keep you in shackles as her personal slave... Unless you bow to the ground and kiss my feet while begging for forgiveness." Billy warned.

Erk's eyes widened, and he immediately kneeled and kissed Billy's feet, while begging for forgiveness.

"Good boy..." Billy patted him on the head.

"Aww... How cute... Billy's tamed Erk." Lyn smiled.

Kent took one look at Lyn, then glanced at Billy, and Erk, and his face began to turn green. As he turned his head away, about to release the contents of his stomach, Marcus stood by and shook his head. "It's times like these when I wish I was dishonorably discharged."

* * *

"Nergal, you immoral villain, I will smite you with my sword!" Eliwood yelled as he ran past an enemy Berserker to attack the Black Fang's leader.

Nergal readied his Ereshkigal tome, but was appalled to see Eliwood miss. His sword clanked against the ground four feet in front of the Dark Sage.

Nergal's eyes widened. "Is it your intention to spare me?"

"No! I shall slay you, villain!" Eliwood yelled, swinging his sword and charging again. But, sadly, he missed yet again.

Marcus shook his head. "How could this fool possibly be the son of Elbert?" He groaned.

Nergal sighed. "This cold, cruel boredom is making me sick. I need more heat. Turn up the heater!" He yelled at Ursula, who complied immediately.

As the heater began to glow hotter, Eliwood's Elite began to feel quite disturbed indeed. "It's getting too hot for me, and I thought I was the hottest thing alive! We should retreat!" Sain yelled.

Shaking his head, Billy sighed. "Fine, fine. Everyone, back to Fargus's ship. We must find something cold enough to take down Nergal's heater. Once we succeed in that endeavor, Nergal shall be defeated!"


	6. Woes Among Comrades

This is my final FE fic, though it is my first FE7 fic. I hope you continue to enjoy it until I'm finished. I will do what I can to make you laugh, dear reader.

Chapter 6: Woes Among Comrades

Priscilla and Serra sat with their backs away from each other, each writing in a small notebook.

"_Dearest brother..."_ Priscilla jotted down.

"_My dear self.."_ Serra wrote.

"_There's been some confusion among the personnel in Eliwood's Elite..."_ They both scrabbled.

"_But of course, I'll get over it..."_ Serra smirked as she jotted it down.

"_But of course, I won't let it bother me..."_ Priscilla wrote quickly.

"_For I know that's how you'll want me to respond, yes..."_ They both wrote.

Then suddenly, Serra glared at Priscilla, and wrote: **"You see, my tent-mate is the most annoying thing ever..."** Unfortunately, she happened to blurt it out loud.

"**Oh?"** Priscilla gasped.

"_What is this feeling, so sudden and new?"_ Serra mused aloud.

"_I felt the moment I laid eyes on you..."_ Priscilla's eyes narrowed.

"_My pulse is rising..."_

"_My head is reeling..."_

"_My face is flushing..."_

"_What is this feeling? Burning in me like a flame... Does it have a name? Yes..." _ They both muttered.

"_Loathing! Unadulterated loathing!"_ They both growled.

Serra grabbed her Mend Staff and waved it menacingly at Priscilla. _"And I will loathe you for my whole life!"_

Priscilla gasped, putting her hand to her mouth. She thought of the cruelest thing she could think of. **"Oh, I bet that's just because you can't have Erk for yourself!"**

At that taunt, Serra flared: _"There's a strange exhilaration in such total detestation... It's just so pure and strong!"_

"**Likewise!"**

And they broke into song:

"_Though I do admit it came on fast...  
Still I do believe that it can last.  
And I will be loathing  
Loathing you  
My whole life long!"_

As if on cue, Lyn, Guy, and Nino suddenly popped up:

"_Oh, Priscilla you are just too good!"_

"I am?"

They continued:

"_How do you stand it? I don't think I could!  
She's a terror! She's a Tartar!  
We don't mean to show a bias,  
But Priscilla, you're a martyr!"_

Serra's eyes burned with flame:

"_What is this feeling, so sudden and new?_

_I felt it the moment I laid eyes on you..."_

They both continued, unfazed:

"_My pulse is rushing,_

_My head is reeling,_

_My face is flushing,_

_Oh, what is this feeling?_

_Does it have a name?_

_Yes..._

_Ah, Loathing!_

_There's a strange exhilaration_

_In such total detestation  
It's so pure, so strong!_

_Though I do admit it came on fast  
Still I do believe that it can last  
And I will be loathing, for forever loathing, truly deeply loathing you my whole life long!"_ (1.)

* * *

Priscilla and Serra immediately turned their heads and marched away from each other.

After a few hours, they were forced to see each other again in the meadow where several tables were set up for dining. After all, they did not expect to engage enemy units anytime soon, and they needed to eat lunch.

Eliwood stood triumphantly on one of the tables. Billy quickly had two other tables connected to that single table, and Billy ordered Priscilla and Fiora to stand next to him and dance. As they danced, Eliwood began to burst into song:

"_We're no strangers to love..._

_You know the rules, and so do I..._

_I feel commitment's what I'm thinking of..._

_You won't get this from any other guy!_

_I just want to tell you how I'm feeling._

_Gotta make you understand._

_Never gonna give you up!_

_Never gonna let you down!_

_Never gonna run around and desert you._

_Never gonna make you cry,_

_Never gonna say goodbye,_

_Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you!"_

Priscilla and Fiora looked like they were going to cry, but Priscilla, being submissive, and Fiora, being stuck with her duty of following Billy's orders, had to dance.

But Ninian began bawling, crying out loud to the heavens: "Why, Elmine, WHY?!"

Kent wanted to help Fiora, but his duty forced him to stay in place. Erk, too, wanted to go to Priscilla's assistance, but that rapier looked rather threatening.

"For your manliness!" Hector yelled, wielding Wolf Beil. He charged up this makeshift stage, ready to cut his friend down.

Marcus quickly shooed everyone out of the room, including Priscilla and Fiora, so that no one had to see Hector force Eliwood to become a man once again. (2.)

* * *

Shortly afterwards, as the army gathered in a fortress between Ostia and Thria. They were trying to get help to defeat Nergal and his heater. Unfortunately, they were suddenly fired upon by a large group of soldiers.

One of Eliwood's new escorts, Isadora, decided to speak with Billy directly.

"Billy... It would appear that Marcus and I are the only Paladins in this army."

"Yes..." Billy nodded, staring intently at the Dame's 'extended' armor.

"Therefore, our allies may take heavy damage."

"Yes..." A small line of drool began to fall down the side of Billy's mouth.

"Erm, Billy, are you well...?" Isadora began to look confused, and even a bit worried. After all, if their tactician was ill, it would be difficult to break this siege.

Billy continued to drool and stare blankly, and Marcus, seeing what he was doing in front of her, decided to intervene.

"Isadora!"

"Sir Marcus! Look over here, Billy is not well..."

Marcus nodded, and took her by the hand, leading her away from Billy. Isadora was confused, but as Marcus had been her commander, friend, and teacher for most of her life, she trusted him and came along with him. Eventually, when they were out of earshot, Marcus turned to her.

"Yes, Isadora, he does seem strange. Well, um, it's because he seems to find you attractive."

"Truly? Oh, my word!" Isadora put her hand to her mouth.

"You do not feel insulted?" Marcus muttered aloud.

"Well, in all honestly, as an honorable knight of Pherae I merely feel flattered..."

"What?!"

"I was trained as a warrior, and I haven't had the chance to act ladylike at all."

"Trust me, Isadora, if you are searching for love, that man is hardly worthy of your attention."

"Why do you think of him so harshly, Sir Marcus?"

"Well..."

At this point Kent and Fiora got wind of their conversation and immediately went over to them.

"Billy is probably the most shameless, vulgar, ruthless, and heartless strategist I have ever seen." Kent snarled.

"Is that so, Sir Kent?" Isadora's eyebrows rose in surprise.

"Dame Isadora, as a fellow Knight, I must say that he is unworthy of our services, and as a fellow woman, I give you this advice: Stay far away from that git." Fiora spoke. Her words were supported by a rare bitter tone.

"Very well, Dame Fiora, Sirs Kent and Marcus, thank you for your concern." Isadora bowed.

"As fellow honorable Knights, we cannot leave a comrade in the hands of a wretch like him." They replied with one voice and bowed as well.

* * *

The siege was brutal...

They continued to pound the titles of the castle as they surged forward. Yet, one of them, a wyvern rider named Heath, decided to help Eliwood's Elite, as Will called them. Actually, it wasn't really his choice in the matter, for another happened to disable his wyvern's wings.

"..."

"Sir, I have no quarrel with you, so..."

The mounted bowman raised his bow and fired two arrows, striking Heath's wyvern and making it unable to flap its wings.

"What the...?"

"..." The bowman took a white handkerchief from his pocket, tied it to one of his arrows, and began to wave the handkerchief and arrow around, pointing a finger at Heath and looking from Heath to the arrow in a questioning expression.

Heath raised his hands. "Yes, I surrender, I have no intention of hurting women or children."

The bowman raised his eyebrows in a suggestive manner, and Heath flared: "It's nothing like that, you ass, I swear!"

The bowman shook his head.

"Rath! Stop playing arou... Oh, who are you?" A girl with green hair approached the pair.

"I am Sir Heath... I am formerly of Elban's Mercenaries. Now, however, I serve you."

"Great, great. Rath, if he does anything funny, shoot him in the head."

Rath nodded and Lyn walked away.

Sweat poured down Heath's face as he stared at the bowman, who shrugged and handed him an elixir.

Heath seemed confused, and Rath pointed at the Wyvern's wings. Heath still seemed confused, and Rath angrily snatched the elixir from Heath's hands and proceeded to pour the elixir down the Wyvern's throat. In twelve minutes, the arrow holes on the wyvern disappeared, and Heath immediately understood what was going on. "Oh... Thanks, Rath!"

Rath nodded and rode off, with Heath quickly following him.

* * *

Eliwood raised the Armorslayer menacingly in the air...

And missed.

Hector, seeing his friend get beaten mercilessly by an enemy armored knight with an iron lance, decided to save him with his Wolf Beil. In seconds, the armored knight fell in two equal halves, and Hector continued to hack away at enemy troops.

Erk's flames, Priscilla's healing staff, Will's arrows, Oswin's tough armor, Lyn's shining blade, Kent's swift steed and sharp blades, Sain's strength, Rebecca's persistence, Fiora's speed, and Billy's brain succeeded in destroying their foes. With his head held high, Billy shouted at his troops: "Welcome our two newest recruits: Heath and Rath!"

Heath smiled at everyone, but when he tried to strike a conversation, everyone except for Kent, Fiora, and Marcus would actually bother to respond. Erk and Priscilla, and Billy and Lyn were too busy staring at each other, while Rath would be practicing archery (and, being mute, he wasn't a very good person to converse with), and Sain would be chasing any female (except for Priscilla, or Lyn, the former forcing him to deal with Erk and the latter forcing him to deal with Billy and Lyn) within sight. The others simply did not care.

So the makeshift army continued, 'till it reached the great dessert.

"We're looking for an old man who lives in a desert." Billy explained.

"Then why is the ground white... Wait a second..." Fiora bent down, taking some of the white powder in her hand and putting it in her mouth. "This is sugar!"

"Sugar?"

"We've reached the great dessert!" Matthew yelped.

Guy instantly jumped into the vast mountain of sugar, consuming enough to make fifteen six year olds get plagued by cavities.

"Get a better map next time, will ya?" Erk sighed at Billy, who glared at him. "How dare you insult my competence! Serra, put him in shackles!"

Erk immediately got on the ground and begged for forgiveness, while Priscilla wept, clearly upset from how much of a jerk Billy was.

* * *

After a few hours of inactivity, they arrived at a vast land of sand. "There, we're in the freakin' desert, happy?!" Billy growled at Erk, who cowered away.

"Let's go find the old man!" Lyn raised her sword.

"What old man?" Heath inquired. Rath also looked confused.

Billy turned to the pair. "Oh, right... You weren't with us when we were at lunch that other day... Ok, we plan to recruit some old guy named Athos. Apparently he has magic that can stop Nergal's heater."

"Oh..." Heath nodded, as did Rath.

"Right, now come along. We have to find him, and... What the hell?"

In the distance, they could see a single purple-haired sage blasting everything around him to dust.

"That's my teacher!" Erk yelled, running towards Pent.

"Wait for me, Erk!" Priscilla reared her horse and chased after him.

Serra shrugged her shoulders. "I guess you'll keep me company, Matthew!"

Mathew paled, but no one cared.

* * *

"Hey, Isadora, Lyn..." Billy called the two warriors.

"You wanted something, sir?" Isadora asked.

"Yes, Billy?"

"Isadora, let me protect you as I ride with you on your stead. Lyn, you will serve as our escort. Be sure to move around frequently in that robe of yours, Lyn."

"Understood..." Isadora looked uneasy, while Lyn beamed. "Whatever you say, Billy." The Sacean spoke sweetly.

It was difficult to fight when one's tactician has his arms around your waist, but Isadora assumed that he needed to do so in order to stay on. Billy buried his head in her shoulder, his breath brushing against her ear. "Harken..." Isadora moaned slightly as she rode on, obviously distracted by that warmth.

"That's not my name..." Billy whispered.

"But Billy..." Isadora felt something wet against her tongue. "Billy..." She began to moan again.

Lyn shrugged her shoulders. When Billy was involved, three was definitely not a crowd.

* * *

The battle finally ended, and as Billy, Isadora, and Lyn retired to the tactician's personal tent, Erk sighed and began the briefing.

"That bastard Billy uses Serra as a bargaining chip to ensure my loyalty... Wait... Is she here?!" Erk's head darted about.

"No, Erk, she's off with Matthew, go on." Priscilla spoke, with Eliwood and Marcus encouraging him to continue.

"Oh, well, Billy hardly makes Matthew go on missions anyway. Well, we have successfully found you, Lord Pent, and thus this battle may prove easier. You see, enemy troops under Commander Lloyd are held in this fortress. It is inevitable, then, for us to engage them. However, as you can see Lloyd is no fool. He has a large number of veteran soldiers defending him. Unlike Billy, I can save my own skin, so you need not worry about me. Marcus, your experience in battle makes you an able field commander, so I ask that you lead the rear-guard, which includes protecting Merlinus. Since Lyn and Isadora will not be joining us in this battle..." Erk took a moment to glare at Billy's tent and sighed at the faint rustling and moaning from within. "It can be deduced that we must fend for ourselves. Eliwood, you will march forward, supported by Lord Pent, as no other person is able to compensate for your, well, lack of aim."

Everyone chuckled at the statement, except for Ninian, who looked angry, and Eliwood, who was furious, but one look at Wolf Beil forced both to shut up.

"Now, the rest of you, if I were Lloyd, I'd send several mages to pelt the enemy and exhaust their healing and weapon resources, as well as trained mercenary troops to harrass them every step of the way. Therefore, you will have to engage them accordingly. Be wary for any incantations as the mages begin their assault, and hold your own against Mercenaries, dodging their blades and hitting them with whatever you have. As you know, Mages are weak against physical attacks, so warriors, kill them with your metal weapons. I doubt we will take any casualties, for I think we generally know what we are doing. Careful, this area tends to have thick fog at many times during the year, so you must be wary... But as long as you remain calm, focused, and wary, victory is assured. Now, everyone, move out!" Erk ordered, waving his Elfire tome in the air. Everyone joined him hearteningly, and they marched off to take down their next opponent.

Lloyd was a pain in the ass. His sword could have chopped plenty of their lightly armored troops in one slash. But after a long battle that involved pelting him with arrows, spells, and a strong spear, Lloyd finally died.

But Eliwood was tired, so they had to rest. Later, later they would find old man Athos and traverse the desert in search of him. For now, it was time to sit down and recover their energy. After all, you can't keep going for too long... After a while, it just hurts too much.

* * *

1. The author likes musicals. This is the song "What is this feeling?" from the musical Wicked. I listened to it the other day and I thought that it fit Priscilla and Serra's relationship perfectly, especially considering the fact that they can both fight over Erk.

Yes, I know that Priscilla is considered annoying and a "Mary Sue" by many, many people, but strangely she's my second favorite female character because she's so vulnerable and kind. She's the opposite of those amazons we typically see in video games these days. That's why I don't really care for Clarine in FE 6 because of Priscilla, nor do I really care for L' Archael, though the latter is funny, unlike Serra.

And I detest Serra with a passion, though she does make a good healer. Thus, imagining their voices, Priscilla being a soprano, like Glinda, and Serra an alto, like Elphaba (though Erk might resent that, as Serra's screeches are probably very high pitched, and Elphaba might resent that because she can be a good and pleasant person unlike Serra), I thought that the song fit them so well, so I used it. Much of the song has been transcribed word for word, except for a few things that allow it to fit in the Fire Emblem Universe as well as fit for the two particular singers/girls involved.

2. Yes, Eliwood Rick-Rolled everyone. Please don't sue.


	7. Unbelievable

Chapter 7: Unbelievable

"Eliwood!" Hector yelled as the sands swirled around them.

Lord Eliwood of Pherae perished, having been slain by an enemy Fighter.

How did this happen? Well, just as Billy ordered everyone into formation, Eliwood attacked Florina and pushed her off her pegasus. With a yell of: "I SHALL NEVER BE REMEMBERED AS PATHETIC!" He reared the winged horse and flew as fast as he could past the enemy lines, hoping that he'd reach the temple where old man Athos was hiding.

But Eliwood only reached the halfway point when several archers shot him down. As the horse rammed into the ground, Eliwood found himself badly wounded. It was at this time that an enemy Fighter approached him, and Eliwood, as usual, missed in his initial attack with his iron sword. The Fighter swung his steel axe, and hacked off Eliwood's head.

* * *

With the death of Eliwood, Billy ordered their warriors to retreat, and the entire army disbanded, despite the fact that Eliwood was relatively useless compared to all of their fellow fighters. Shortly afterwards, even though their army could easily go forward and crush Nergal, they simply went to an Ostian pub to drink beer, and "drown their sorrows," even though no one honestly cared about Eliwood's death.

Nergal soon used his heater to burn all of the other Lords, and thus Hector was eventually slain. Since Lyn gave her duties to Hector, she was no longer a Lord, and thus Nergal never burned her. Marcus gave Nergal the seal of Pherae, and in return Nergal promised to leave Marcus alone for eternity.

Erk and Priscilla left the party, and were married shortly afterwards. Nergal never bothered them. As for Rath, he eloped with another plainswoman (NOT LYN), and fathered a daughter named Sue, who did not assist Eliwood's nonexistent son Roy to fight the (now nonexistent, thanks to Nergal's purge) King Zephiel. Nergal neither bothered Rath nor Sue, because there was no point in doing so.

Isadora and Lyn left with Billy, and became his Concubine and Wife respectively. Together, the three had 14 children. Lyn had eight children while Isadora had six, mainly because Lyn had tenure over Isadora when it came to the right to be in Billy's bed. Billy paid Nergal not to bother him or his family, so Nergal did not.

Lord Athos lived happily for the rest of his days with Hawkeye, Pent, and the beautiful Louise. He did not learn of Nergal's takeover or his heater until it was too late, and then he merely shrugged it off and continued living happily in the desert. Nergal visited his old friend one day, and the two played several games of chess for centuries before Nergal went back to his throne as Emperor of the World.

Karel continued to kill people, and contrary to popular belief never became the Saint of Swords. That honor was given to Guy. Nergal ignored Guy, but hired Karel. Karel died while Nergal was playing chess, and thus he never accomplished anything more in life.

Matthew married Serra, because she begged him to. That, and he feared that he'd remain a virgin forever due to Lelia's death. Nergal ignored him.

Heath continued to fly about the world on his wyvern, Hyperion, until Vaida skewered him on the edge of a killer lance. Vaida proceeded to challenge Nergal in a one on one duel, in which Nergal had the first move and blasted her to pieces with Ereshkigal.

Kent and Fiora were married, and together they had two children, and all four continued to live lives of duty serving absolutely no one, because they hated Billy, Lyn, Hector, and Eliwood's nonexistent son Roy. Nergal never bothered bothering them.

All other unmentioned characters died from heart attacks. Nergal never bothered desecrating their graves, for he was too busy being Emperor of the World.

And so, our tale ends. Good bye, and Good Night.

(As you can see, I've completely run out of the fervor for writing FE stories. I apologize.)


End file.
